Happy New Year! A time of Renewal. Rededication. Refocusing. And I have three things I really need/want to channel my energy on:
How vague is that? I'm talking about physically. I have never been a petite person. I think the smallest size I have ever been is an 8. And I really don't want to be that small, because I was that size about ten years ago and my face looked all wrinkly and gaunt - even at age 35! I just want to be healthy and feel good about myself. I want to not feel so tired. I want to not feel ugly. I want to want to have sex with my husband. (That's probably too much information. I think he's amazing, handsome and wonderful, but when you feel ugly, it can deeply affect your drive.) I want to believe him when he says I am beautiful. Now I'm probably going to have lots of people comment and say, "Oh Bevy, you ARE beautiful! You have such a beautiful _____." And that's all lovely and kind and sweet and supportive... bleh, bleh, bleh. But if I can't feel it myself, then...
So I've decided (just like last year - ugh!) to make a change. Last year I was really on a roll until Mike's "Gallbladder Explosion Diet". Although he lost weight (and lots of it, I might add), I ceremoniously failed. And I never got back on track. But this year I'm starting back, with the help of my school's "Biggest Loser" competition throughout May. The winner gets a bill ol' wad of prize money as well. I have a pretty competitive streak and I do. not. like. losing. (And my husband will reap the benefits too!)
I'm not quite sure exactly where I'm going with this. I just know that we are all pulled in a million different directions. And when each of us finally do come down to land, we crash and isolate ourselves - and I am probably the most guilty. My iPad has become an appendage. Granted I am not always surfing Facebook, Pinterest or the net. I am cropping photos, or organizing lists and recipes, or reading on my Kindle app or e-magazine, or finding second grade resources on Teachers Pay Teachers, or... And my husband is constantly looking at sports scores and researching trends for upcoming games. Sumter is on Twitter. Jackson is on Instagram. Or they are texting their friends.
This fall has been a bit rough. Both boys have made some poor choices and this concerns me. I don't like being evasive. Neither are involved with drugs or drinking. Nothing illegal. Just bad choices, and neither seem to understand (or care to) why said decisions or choices are wrong. I am beginning to see that this gray, amoral world is influencing them more than I realized. And this is with Bible studies and youth group! My husband and I thought we were engaged. Obviously we need to be more. More with the boys - and more with each other.
This is interestingly enough the hardest one to even realize - much less commit to. I am in a funk. Not unhappy - just in a funk. It's really hard to write this, but I really don't have anything in my life right now that gives me intrinsic joy. I was talking to my husband about this: He brings me joy. Our sons bring me joy. My sweet puppy, Maggie, brings me joy. Jesus brings me joy. I enjoy my job. But what else? What is it that makes me want to get up in the morning? What excites me more than anything? I just don't know. But I am committing 2015 to find out.
So there you have it. Renewing myself. Rededication to my family. And refocusing on my passion. Here's to 2015!